Leon & Sherry Write A Song
by Onkwehonwe Kashatstenhshera
Summary: Leon and Sherry. One recording booth, one acoustic guitar, one Magnum, a song intended to serenade Claire into sleeping with Leon. Guest stars include Barry Burton and William Birkin.


Leon: All right Sherry, remember, you're the one with the acoustic guitar. You do this, I'll give you ten bucks.

Sherry: Jesus, Leon why don't you just man up and ask Claire out like an adult?

Leon: DON'T TELL ME TO MAN UP! WE HATE IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT!

Sherry: Just get in the recording booth dumb ass.

Leon: I'm telling you. This is so gonna get me laid. This is how women used to be romanced in the Shakespear days.

Sherry: Do you even know who Shakespear was?

Leon: Obviously! He was the first king of Egypt. Now start playing so I can start singing!

Sherry starts to play the acoustic.

Leon: I want to fuck Claire in the ass...I wanted fuck Ada in her butt hole first cause she may have shorter hair than Claire but dresses more feminine...plus i've always wanted to do an Asian chick...

Sherry: This is so objectifying!

Leon: But I only found Claire...I saw a zombie woman in the street that in whose butt I would have liked to skeet...she grabbed my new boots and I took this as a sign...but alas she was dead...I let her come on go to my head...and I don't mean the one with Leo Dicaprio's hair...but I only found Claire

Sherry: Gross!

Leon: I would have even considered fucking a zombie dog in the ass just cause I've never done it doggystyle...and my college buddy Ark said that it's the best...I shot a dog before it was cool left the bitch in a bloody pool could have mounted it right there...but I only found Claire

Sherry: um...I don't think that's what doggystyle is...

Leon: I would have fucked Annette in the ass cause man that sexy bitch had lots of class, I don't normally go for blondes but she shot me and made me cum and it was weird...plus her husband had hair like me so I would have given Annette the D and jizzed on her face and hair...but I only found Claire

Sherry: Dude! That is not cool that's my mom you're talking about!

Leon: Shut up, Sherry! You're so traumatized you can't even remember if your mom was crushed by pipes from the ceiling or slashed by your dad!

Just then, William Birkin shows up outside the recording booth.

William: Sherry! I'm alive! I survived Raccoon City!

Leon: Dear God! Stay back, Sherry! I'll save you from the zombie!

Sherry: No, Leon, that's my daddy!

Leon pulls out Desert Eagle and shoots William twice in the skull. Mall onlookers react in horror.

Leon: It's okay people, i'm a cop! Just go back to your shopping at Radio Shack. Nothing to see here...

Leon gets back in the recording booth.

Leon: Okay, Sherry...again from the top..

Leon and Sherry: I want to fuck Claire in the ass...

Leon: Wait, you do too?

Sherry: Huh? No! it's cause you confused me sexually you pervert! I'm a twelve year old girl on the cusp of womanhood! Can you imagine what I'd look like in this school girl outfit in fifteen years?

Leon: I would have fucked Sherry in the ass she's only 12 but she has lots of sass...plus I could pretend that it's her mom

Sherry: Whoa! I am not okay with that! Im saving my butt hole for marriage. Or jesus...

Leon: If there's grass on the field, Sherry, play ball. If you're old enough to crawl, you're in the right position. If you're old enough to bleed, you're old enough to breed.

Sherry: You know we're still recording right? Seriously what a creep how did you ever pass the Raccoon Police Department's background check? Oh wait...Chief Irons...never mind.

Leon: Once she's born she belongs in porn...

Sherry: Are you done?

Leon: With the puns sure but now you're part of my song whether you like it or not.

Sherry: You'd better not hold out on my ten bucks. You freaking killed my dad!

Leon: Imagine that pre pubescent booty in a thong, her schoolgirl blouse tied up in a knot...it makes my dong as hard as rock I don't think she has any hair down there...but I only found Claire

Sherry: Can we please get back to the song that doesn't involve me?

Leon: just follow my lead, okay?

Leon and Sherry: We want to fuck Claire in the ass...

Sherry (In mid sentence) Uh i mean Heeeeeee wants to fuck Claire in the ass.

Leon:: I saw a picture of some random fire crotch in the RCP office and I wanted to fill her every orfice...I think her name was becca...she was jail bait a redhead and she wore a basketball jersey in a whorish manner...it was an erection trifecta,,,oh my God how I wanted to wreck her..I'd swipe her V card and her B card...she could call me sir while I'm inside of her i love a girl with red hair...but i only found Claire...

 _Epilogue_

Leon ends up playing the song for Claire. Claire proceeds to smash guitar over Leon's head. Leon is now in a coma. Shortly there after, Barry Burton sees what has happened and Claire tells him. Barry and Claire run away to France where they engage in constant anal sex. William Birkin is still dead and has not yet has a third coming. Sherry is still wondering when she's going to get her $10.

* * *

 _All right I know this is stupid but hey it is humor you either like it or you don't. Just hammered this out while watching FLCL. Leon kinda deserved his beating though right? lol and an ironic ending. This is a one shot though. Anyway, I should have my regular stuff updated soon enough._


End file.
